Working out at the local fitness center has increased my appreciation for standards. By adjusting the various machines to the third hole, I discovered they fit my height perfectly thus eliminating the guesswork in adjustments. By pushing down on the seats, rather than pulling, the locking key slides out easily to adjust the seat height. Simply learning these two simple standards has decreased my frustration level with the weight machines. I spend more time working out rather than making adjustments.

            What does this have to do with relationships? Too often we become frustrated in our step family relationships when we are pushing rather than pulling or when our behavior results in the opposite of our desired outcome. Once we learn and exercise standard behaviors that nurture friendships, our frustration level decreases while our happiness level increases. We spend more time enjoying our family rather than wasting time figuring out what we can do differently.

            Standard behaviors that tend to foster friendships include kindness, compassion, inclusivity, respect, forgiveness, gratitude. These behaviors communicate our like for the other person and desire to be part of his/her life. Opposite behaviors such as rudeness, exclusion, criticism, indifference, push people away and may create enemies. Such behaviors communicate dislike or even disdain for another individual. The recipient of such behavior quickly feels that we have no desire to be part of his/her life.

            The beginning of a new year is a great time to evaluate (step)family relationships. If they are less than what we desire, perhaps an adjustment in behavior is needed. When I realized that my indifference was probably the cause of my relationship woes with my stepmother, I changed my behavior and now experience greater contentment in our relationship. I chose one behavior at a time to work on. Consider choosing one positive attribute to develop throughout the year. Practice it daily or weekly until it becomes natural. You may be pleasantly surprised, as I was, to find your happiness level increasing as your (step)family members become your friends.

Terri P. Smith, author, When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life. (To order your copy from www.amazon.com, simply click the book image on the right of the screen.)

Posted: January 8th, 2010 under successful stepfamilies, stepfamily relationships.
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