During the summer my teenage son and I spent two weeks in Europe. We enjoyed visits to castles, museums, cathedrals, parks, and monuments in Germany, France, and Spain. The lush, rolling hills of Germany, the picturesque beaches of Spain and France, the twinkling lights of the Eiffel Tower hold special memories. However, the highlight of our trip was the wonderful people we met in each country. A German family invited us to spend a night with them. They waited up late for our arrival, greeted us with food and beverage and engaging conversation. The following morning they prepared a warm breakfast for us before our departure. In Spain we stayed with two different families who welcomed us into their homes with open arms and warm embraces. They escorted us to tourist spots in their city and neighboring cities. We experienced many cultural differences; some we enjoyed such as the leisurely meals and the afternoon siestas, while others we tolerated such as paying for restroom facilities and water at restaurants. Despite our different cultures, we have many common interests with our new friends whom we love as family.

            When parents remarry, children may experience culture shock. The new spouse brings with him/her habits or traditions that may seem totally foreign. If the tradition is rejected or criticized, family members miss out on opportunities to get to know one another better. On the other hand, children and parents willing to experience a different tradition like they might experience a foreign culture are often pleasantly surprised by their enjoyment of it. In the process of sharing family traditions, children and parents in blended families discover that they have common interests on which to build loving friendships.

            The most basic common trait that my son and I discovered between us and our European friends is love for family. We share other similarities as well and developed mutual respect for one another and our cultures. We will always cherish their gracious acceptance of us and the warm welcome we received in their country and home. May we consider how we can graciously accept a new stepparent or stepchild into our life and enjoy enriching relationships through mutual love and respect.

            As the holidays approach, may love of family fill your hearts and may you enjoy time-honored traditions as well as new ones.

Terri P. Smith, author, When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life. (To order your copy from www.amazon.com, simply click the book image on the right of the screen.)

Posted: October 29th, 2009 under family fun, holidays, traditions.
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            Christians around the world celebrate Easter this month. Easter commemorates the resurrection of Jesus Christ, which offers hope to all mankind of a glorious resurrection from the grave. The events in Christ’s life in the days preceding the resurrection are also significant in offering hope. Jesus’ suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and again on the cross at Calvary atoned for the sins of every man, woman, and child who repent of their sins and come unto Him. Forgiveness is a glorious blessing offered by the Savior of the world. He invited us to follow His example and to forgive those who have transgressed against us.  

            Celebrate this Easter season by forgiving your (step)parent or your (step)child who in one way or another offended you. Chances are the offense was unintentional and the individual has no clue what he or she did that caused the offense. Dr. Fred Luskin said, “Hurt and anger are meant to be fleeting emotions, not permanent fixtures. Too many of us never get over the bad things that happened, towing grudges from the past that hinder our lives, harm our health, and shorten our horizons….No matter the hurt, to forgive brings an almost divine peace.” (Forgive for Good, HarperCollins, 2002) For your own good health—physical, psychological, and spiritual—forgive those who have hurt you and experience the divine peace that can benefit you and those you love. 

Terri P. Smith, authorWhen Your Parent Remarries Late in Life(to order your copy from www.amazon.com click on the book image on the right)

Posted: March 19th, 2008 under successful stepfamilies, holidays.
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            February is most noted for Valentine’s Day. It is a month to remember those we love, usually our spouse, our children, our grandchildren, or a dear friend. Some find it easy and natural to express affection or appreciation, others struggle with it. The struggle is often greater for members of mature blended families who feel awkward sending a Valentine’s card or greeting. That is a common feeling. On the other hand, think of those receiving nothing for Valentine’s Day. They experience feelings of loneliness or abandonment. Yet, small and simple actions make significant differences in our lives. A dreary day can be turned into a great day. Consider the impromptu hug of a child, the unsolicited compliment of a parent or friend, the smile and friendly greeting of a stranger, or the kindness of another driver allowing you to change lanes. These small acts of kindness often warm our heart and bring a smile to our face. In fact, the thoughtfulness of another can affect our attitude throughout the day.           

         Human tendency often focuses on self. How easy it is to concentrate our energy on our personal needs while overlooking the needs of those we profess to love. We may desire more fulfillment in our relationship with our (step)parent or (step)child, yet we do nothing to bring it about. Try an experiment. Initiate a small act of kindness. Then repeat it over and over again. Watch how your repeated nurturing affects others as well as yourself. It is like a seedling that withers if only watered once but thrives with continual watering and care.           

         Here are just a few suggestions for a Valentine surprise:                                                                                                                                                            ·         Send a Valentine card or email greeting to (step)parents or (step)children.                                                                                                                                         ·         Do the same for grandchildren or (step)grandparents.                                                                                                                                                                   ·         Invite (step)parents or (step)children to go out for dinner if you live nearby.                                                                                                                                  ·         Deliver a favorite candy bar or other special treat. 

      Whatever you do, find a meaningful way to say, “Thank you for being part of my life. I love you.”

Posted: February 11th, 2008 under stepfamily relationships, holidays.
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             Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or some other holiday, December is a month of remembering the great gifts God has given to us. It is also a time to give to others. Gifts represent our love and appreciation for those who are dear to us. Gift giving also represents acceptance or a peace offering. This holiday season let your adult stepfamily know you care through a thoughtful gift. A thoughtful gift can be something the individual wants or needs; something using your talents to create a craft, bake a kitchen goody, or write a poem; or something from the heart. Gifts of the heart are often those that matter most and include love, friendship, kindness, and compassion among others. As a remarried (step)parent or an adult (step)child, take the time to consider how you can best express your love and appreciation for your (step)family members. Let them know you accept them for who they are and the blessings they bring into your life or the life of your parent. If your stepfamily relationships include hurt feelings or offenses, consider this time of year an opportunity to heal old wounds by giving a peace offering. May you and your family experience the wonder of this season through a sincere expression of love and acceptance.

Posted: December 19th, 2007 under stepfamily relationships, holidays.
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     Thanksgiving is a wonderful opportunity to contemplate the blessings of adult blended families. If you are an adult child of a parent remarried later in life, consider the peace of knowing that mom or dad has a companion caring for her or him. If your parent is in a good marriage, other blessings may include your parent’s improved physical and emotional health or better financial stability. Or you may be blessed to have developed a friendship with your new stepparent. Remarried parents may count among their blessings a loving spouse, supportive children, or adoring grandchildren. Some older brides or grooms become a grandparent for the first time upon marriage. They relish the unconditional love shown by children. Ron said, “Emma’s grandchildren are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

      Whatever the circumstances of your adult stepfamily may be, look for the silver lining and be grateful. Take your gratitude one step further by saying thank you. If you are having a hard time finding any blessing, then determine to initiate changes throughout the coming year to improve your relationships. You can make a difference.

Posted: November 28th, 2007 under stepfamily relationships, holidays.
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            The holidays are upon us. Whether you are thinking of a Halloween costume, the Thanksgiving menu, Christmas decorations, or Hanukkah festivities, traditions play a key role in our celebrations. In some ways traditions define our family, our religion, or our nationality. We look forward to that special time of dad carving the turkey, Susie putting the star at the top of the tree, or Ben lighting the candles. As we look forward to, we often look back on as well. We remember that special wish as we tugged on the wishbone, or the laughter as dad opened his gift and donned his third tie, or mom singing childhood songs while washing dishes together.

            When we marry, we often adopt traditions of each other’s family. We also start new traditions unique to our family. Our children look forward to certain family rituals even as we did as children and continue to do as adults.

            A remarriage in the family way cause some anxiety rather than anticipation as the holidays approach. Should the table be set with mom’s fine china and crystal with a new matriarch in the home? Who will carve the turkey now that dad is no longer with us? Where do we do the holiday cookie baking that even the grandchildren enjoy?

            Mature stepfamilies may struggle maintaining family identity or unity especially when long-held rituals are forgotten. Regardless of the length of time of a parent’s remarriage, traditions can strengthen existing family ties or create bonds with new family members. Please share experiences of family traditions your family continued or new ones started that has helped to nurture and to unite your mature stepfamily.

Posted: October 26th, 2007 under stepfamily relationships, holidays, traditions.
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