Working out at the local fitness center has increased my appreciation for standards. By adjusting the various machines to the third hole, I discovered they fit my height perfectly thus eliminating the guesswork in adjustments. By pushing down on the seats, rather than pulling, the locking key slides out easily to adjust the seat height. Simply learning these two simple standards has decreased my frustration level with the weight machines. I spend more time working out rather than making adjustments.

            What does this have to do with relationships? Too often we become frustrated in our step family relationships when we are pushing rather than pulling or when our behavior results in the opposite of our desired outcome. Once we learn and exercise standard behaviors that nurture friendships, our frustration level decreases while our happiness level increases. We spend more time enjoying our family rather than wasting time figuring out what we can do differently.

            Standard behaviors that tend to foster friendships include kindness, compassion, inclusivity, respect, forgiveness, gratitude. These behaviors communicate our like for the other person and desire to be part of his/her life. Opposite behaviors such as rudeness, exclusion, criticism, indifference, push people away and may create enemies. Such behaviors communicate dislike or even disdain for another individual. The recipient of such behavior quickly feels that we have no desire to be part of his/her life.

            The beginning of a new year is a great time to evaluate (step)family relationships. If they are less than what we desire, perhaps an adjustment in behavior is needed. When I realized that my indifference was probably the cause of my relationship woes with my stepmother, I changed my behavior and now experience greater contentment in our relationship. I chose one behavior at a time to work on. Consider choosing one positive attribute to develop throughout the year. Practice it daily or weekly until it becomes natural. You may be pleasantly surprised, as I was, to find your happiness level increasing as your (step)family members become your friends.

Terri P. Smith, author, When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life. (To order your copy from www.amazon.com, simply click the book image on the right of the screen.)

Posted: January 8th, 2010 under successful stepfamilies, stepfamily relationships.
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            Knowing that Sharon had read When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life and was recommending it to others, I called Sharon on the phone and introduced myself as the author. “Thank you for writing the book,” she said. “I learned that my children’s behavior is normal.” Sharon proceeded to tell me how relationships with her children improved after she sent them a copy of the book.

            While interviewing adult children and remarried parents for my book, I learned what Sharon did. My dad’s behavior was typical of men, his wife’s behavior was normal for women, and my reactions were common for adult children. I had tried hard to be civil, yet I know that at times my behavior and words must have offended as well. My new understanding helped me to realize that I wasn’t being singled out to exclude from the family or targeted to offend. Upon applying the lessons I learned from others, my attitude improved as did my relationship with my dad and his wife.

            Misunderstandings occur frequently when we assume that our parent or stepparent doesn’t care about our feelings, or when we misjudge the intentions of a child or stepchild. Learning that most men are slow to share social activities or even engagements with their children, that women remodel their husband’s house to make it their home, or that adult children struggle emotionally when mom or dad remarries helps us to overlook assumed unkindnesses and to forgive offenses.

            At the beginning of this new year, take time to understand your parent/stepparent’s behavior or your child/stepchild’s reactions. Resolve to do something that will improve your relationships today and tomorrow.

Terri P. Smith, author, When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life. (To order your copy from www.amazon.com, simply click the book image on the right of the screen.)

Posted: January 27th, 2009 under families, successful stepfamilies.
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            While a student of martial arts, my instructors consistently taught us to practice the basics, the fundamental techniques of all movements. Knowing and practicing the fundamentals of any endeavor is paramount to success including building loving stepfamilies. Focusing on the fundamentals enables you to maintain a positive attitude as you interact. So what are some fundamentals of developing friendships with stepfamily members?             Desire, opportunity, and action are fundamentals that lay a foundation for loving relationships. Desire includes your mindset, the quality of your attitude, and your self talk. Do you want a healthy relationship with a new stepparent or stepchild? If yes, do you take advantage of opportunities to achieve it? Whether self-created or extended by another, opportunities abound to build friendships. Recognizing and acting upon these opportunities in a positive way nurtures loving relationships.            An underlying principle of successful mature stepfamilies is choice. You choose your desires, the opportunities you create or recognize, and your daily actions. Choice is the seed of all greatness. Your choices define your life, your level of commitment, and the nature of your relationships. Consider your desire, create opportunities, and choose daily actions leading to endearing friendships.            Choices based on desire for success indicate commitment to growth and achievement. A fundamental choice in loving stepfamily members is deciding to understand them in order to help or support them—there is power in improving lives. Understanding their wants and needs reveals what you can do to nurture friendships. A fundamental key of understanding stepfamily members is listening to discover their thoughts, their wants, and their needs. Learning to listen builds trust as others feel your sincere concern for them.             In your pursuit of happy, loving mature stepfamilies, consider the individuals involved, what you and they want, what you have to offer, and what you will do to succeed. If all else fails, pull yourself through with heart.  

Terri P. Smith, author, When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life. (To order your copy from www.amazon.com, simply click the book image on the right of the screen.)

Posted: November 13th, 2008 under successful stepfamilies.
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            Summer time offers a variety of options for family fun and activities which lend themselves to family togetherness and bonding. Whether you are a new, young, or well-established mature blended family, longer days and warmer temperatures provide opportune times to go for a hike, have a barbecue, spend time at a water park, or enjoy recreational activities at the local park. Many families plan a summer family reunion including games for all ages, a talent show, and good food and conversation.

            Remember the leisure time you enjoyed as a child during the summer break? How nice it was not to think about assignments, tests, or bells ringing the beginning or end of class! Everyone enjoys a break now and them from hectic schedules or deadlines. Family leisure activities offer a similar break from the busyness of daily work or family routine. Activities invite families to enjoy each other’s company in a relaxed atmosphere. They promote conversation, laughter, or exercise.

            One summer our extended family congregated at a local park for a barbecue and a game of kickball. The children wanted to be on a team competing against their parents. We laughed as we ate, played, and reminisced.

            Perhaps you’ve considered inviting your parent and stepparent or your stepchildren to join you for a summer concert or picnic in the park, but you just haven’t gotten around to doing it. The good news is that half the summer remains to plan a family activity before temperatures begin cooling down. Stop procrastinating! Plan a date and initiate contact. Enjoy some leisure time together and create happy family memories.

            Please share activities your family has enjoyed doing together.

Terri P. Smith, author of When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life, (to order your copy from www.amazon.com, click on the book image on the right of the screen)

Posted: July 23rd, 2008 under family fun, successful stepfamilies.
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“If you don’t know where you want to go, how will you recognize it when you’ve arrived?”

What kind of relationship do you desire to have with your (step)parent or (step)child? What type of family life do you want? Once you clearly answer these questions then your motivation increases to achieve your desired outcome.

As the captain of your life, you chart the course you desire to follow with a destination point in mind. The only way to arrive at your desired destination is to begin the journey. Then navigate through the many opportunities, experiences, and challenges that come your way, and there are many in adult stepfamilies. A key element throughout your journey is your thought process. Your dominant thoughts—what you dwell on and focus your attention on—will be attracted to you. Once your mind is clear on what you want, your mind will work on a way to achieve it. Your purpose becomes you passion in pursuing your desired relationships.

Therefore, take time to dream. What do you want to have happen in your family relationships? Who do you want to become? Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. Share your dreams with a trusted family member or friend. Better yet, share it with your stepparent or stepchild with whom you want a better friendship. Your journey will include storms along the way. During these times, remember your WHY, your PURPOSE for happy, healthy relationships, for that will get you through the tough times.

            During the first few years after my dad remarried, I wanted a more fulfilling relationship with him and his wife. Yet unsettled feelings held me back. Interviewing other adult stepchildren and remarried parents helped me to understand my dad’s and his wife’s behavior as well as my own. We were all acting fairly normal. I also learned specific things I could do to improve our relationships. Now, we are happier and enjoy spending time together.

Clearly define and envision your desired outcome including details to attract help and resources to nurturing cherished friendships. Best wishes in developing a gracious family life.

Terri P. Smith, author, When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life (To order your copy from www.amazon.com, simply click on the book icon to the right.)

Posted: May 27th, 2008 under successful stepfamilies, stepfamily relationships.
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            Springtime is teasing us in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains. Spring offers a breath of fresh air after the cold, dark winter. Warmer weather and longer days entice the flowers to push through the brown earth adding splashes of purple, yellow, red, and orange to the landscape. Then a cold front moves in causing the crocuses and tulips to close to protect themselves. The next day the warmth of the sun invites them to open up and expose their beauty. 

            How much like nature are we as individuals? When someone extends a hand of friendship or greets us with a warm smile or loving embrace, the hope of spring and better days enters our lives. But an unkind word, a skeptical glance, or an awkward gesture can cause us to close up to protect ourselves from a possible cold front. Many times we misjudge the behavior or communication of others and reciprocate with coldness. The other person may not have a clue for the purpose of the cold shoulder. Unfortunately, this occurs frequently in adult stepfamilies causing sadness and heartache. 

            As a stepparent or adult stepchild, we can take steps that invite others to open up and expose their beauty. First, maintain a positive attitude toward others. Second, do things that offer the hope of spring such as smiling, looking for the good in your stepparent or stepchild, giving them the benefit of the doubt during an awkward moment. A smile and kind word are often contagious. Third, be patient while awaiting warmer, brighter days. Many adult stepfamilies enjoy a gracious family life following a turbulent beginning. For some it takes a little longer than others but hope is always there

            After the initial shock of her dad’s remarriage wore off, Jan decided she wanted to welcome her new stepmother into her life. Jan talked with her on the phone, did crafts together, and planned family activities and dinners. Their relationship continues to blossom.

Terri P. Smith, author of When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life (to order your copy from www.amazon.com click on the book image on the right)

Posted: April 22nd, 2008 under successful stepfamilies, stepmother.
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            Christians around the world celebrate Easter this month. Easter commemorates the resurrection of Jesus Christ, which offers hope to all mankind of a glorious resurrection from the grave. The events in Christ’s life in the days preceding the resurrection are also significant in offering hope. Jesus’ suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and again on the cross at Calvary atoned for the sins of every man, woman, and child who repent of their sins and come unto Him. Forgiveness is a glorious blessing offered by the Savior of the world. He invited us to follow His example and to forgive those who have transgressed against us.  

            Celebrate this Easter season by forgiving your (step)parent or your (step)child who in one way or another offended you. Chances are the offense was unintentional and the individual has no clue what he or she did that caused the offense. Dr. Fred Luskin said, “Hurt and anger are meant to be fleeting emotions, not permanent fixtures. Too many of us never get over the bad things that happened, towing grudges from the past that hinder our lives, harm our health, and shorten our horizons….No matter the hurt, to forgive brings an almost divine peace.” (Forgive for Good, HarperCollins, 2002) For your own good health—physical, psychological, and spiritual—forgive those who have hurt you and experience the divine peace that can benefit you and those you love. 

Terri P. Smith, authorWhen Your Parent Remarries Late in Life(to order your copy from www.amazon.com click on the book image on the right)

Posted: March 19th, 2008 under successful stepfamilies, holidays.
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HOPE AND HEALING FOR ADULT STEPFAMILIES

     WELCOME to Gracious Family Life, the website for adult stepfamilies. Whether you or your parent(s) remarried years ago, recently remarried, or are contemplating remarriage, this is the place for you.

     Every year millions of adults join the ranks of adult stepchildren when one or both parents remarry following widowhood or divorce. Many struggle with feelings of betrayal, anger, and rejection. Others experience loss of self esteem or cut themselves off from the family in lieu of accepting a stepparent. The majority of adult stepchildren are uncomfortable with their parent’s overt signs of affection. If you have experienced any or all of these, you are not alone. Dr. Sarah Corrie, a British psychologist, observed a noticeable increase in adults seeking professional counseling following a parent’s remarriage. She calls them “the neglected client group” because their “characteristics and needs…have been largely ignored by both the research and clinical literature.”

     Yet some adults adjust well to the family’s reconfiguration and embrace their new stepparent as a new friend and family member. What makes the difference? How can you be one who adapts? How can you turn your relationship with your stepparent from foe to friend? Gracious Family Life explores these questions and others in order to help adult stepfamilies experience joy in their relationships.

     Empty-nest parents who are suddenly single after divorce or the death of a spouse face many challenges with loneliness often topping the list. They may enjoy time with children and grandchildren but it is not the same as having a loving companion. How do you tell your children that you are dating or engaged? How do you handle wedding plans? How do you maintain relationships after the wedding? What should you do about finances? Grandchildren? Family traditions? Please feel free to share what you have learned that may help others nurture loving relationships and avoid pitfalls of unhappy relationships.

     Through my efforts of interviewing dozens of adult stepchildren and remarried parents, of research, of writing about my findings, and of implementing what I learned, my hurts have been healed, my happiness increased, and my relationships improved. It is as though I have a new lease on life enjoying more fulfilling interactions with my dad and stepmother. That is my hope and desire for you.

      When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life, by Terri P. Smith with Dr. James Harper, is full of suggestions to help you remedy your stepfamily relationships. After reading it, please feel free to let us know what advice or stories benefited you. Or even contact us sharing what has and hasn’t worked for you in interactions with your parent/stepparent or your child/stepchild.

Posted: September 26th, 2007 under successful stepfamilies, stepfamily relationships.
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