February is most noted for Valentine’s Day. It is a month to remember those we love, usually our spouse, our children, our grandchildren, or a dear friend. Some find it easy and natural to express affection or appreciation, others struggle with it. The struggle is often greater for members of mature blended families who feel awkward sending a Valentine’s card or greeting. That is a common feeling. On the other hand, think of those receiving nothing for Valentine’s Day. They experience feelings of loneliness or abandonment. Yet, small and simple actions make significant differences in our lives. A dreary day can be turned into a great day. Consider the impromptu hug of a child, the unsolicited compliment of a parent or friend, the smile and friendly greeting of a stranger, or the kindness of another driver allowing you to change lanes. These small acts of kindness often warm our heart and bring a smile to our face. In fact, the thoughtfulness of another can affect our attitude throughout the day.           

         Human tendency often focuses on self. How easy it is to concentrate our energy on our personal needs while overlooking the needs of those we profess to love. We may desire more fulfillment in our relationship with our (step)parent or (step)child, yet we do nothing to bring it about. Try an experiment. Initiate a small act of kindness. Then repeat it over and over again. Watch how your repeated nurturing affects others as well as yourself. It is like a seedling that withers if only watered once but thrives with continual watering and care.           

         Here are just a few suggestions for a Valentine surprise:                                                                                                                                                            ·         Send a Valentine card or email greeting to (step)parents or (step)children.                                                                                                                                         ·         Do the same for grandchildren or (step)grandparents.                                                                                                                                                                   ·         Invite (step)parents or (step)children to go out for dinner if you live nearby.                                                                                                                                  ·         Deliver a favorite candy bar or other special treat. 

      Whatever you do, find a meaningful way to say, “Thank you for being part of my life. I love you.”

Posted: February 11th, 2008 under stepfamily relationships, holidays.
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           At the beginning of each new year many people make resolutions. Among the top ten most popular resolutions is to enjoy quality time with family and friends (www.goalsguy.com). Unless we actually plan specific ways to improve our time together, chances are slim that we will realize our desire. Other issues, such as work schedules, living in different cities, or being part of a blended family, hamper the achievement of our goal. Though challenging, achievement is possible. It simply requires a little more effort. Quality time with family is worth the effort even with mature stepfamilies. (Step)parents and adult (step)children may wonder where they begin to improve their relationships. Often small and simple behaviors make a world of difference. Inviting your parent and stepparent to dinner, helping your child or stepchild with a project, calling to say hello are just a few suggestions of simple behaviors that enhance relationships. Decide upon the frequency of your contact, daily, weekly, monthly. Don’t delay, begin this week. Then be patient as you allow time for your mature (step)family relationships to grow

Posted: January 1st, 2008 under stepfamily relationships.
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             Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or some other holiday, December is a month of remembering the great gifts God has given to us. It is also a time to give to others. Gifts represent our love and appreciation for those who are dear to us. Gift giving also represents acceptance or a peace offering. This holiday season let your adult stepfamily know you care through a thoughtful gift. A thoughtful gift can be something the individual wants or needs; something using your talents to create a craft, bake a kitchen goody, or write a poem; or something from the heart. Gifts of the heart are often those that matter most and include love, friendship, kindness, and compassion among others. As a remarried (step)parent or an adult (step)child, take the time to consider how you can best express your love and appreciation for your (step)family members. Let them know you accept them for who they are and the blessings they bring into your life or the life of your parent. If your stepfamily relationships include hurt feelings or offenses, consider this time of year an opportunity to heal old wounds by giving a peace offering. May you and your family experience the wonder of this season through a sincere expression of love and acceptance.

Posted: December 19th, 2007 under stepfamily relationships, holidays.
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     Thanksgiving is a wonderful opportunity to contemplate the blessings of adult blended families. If you are an adult child of a parent remarried later in life, consider the peace of knowing that mom or dad has a companion caring for her or him. If your parent is in a good marriage, other blessings may include your parent’s improved physical and emotional health or better financial stability. Or you may be blessed to have developed a friendship with your new stepparent. Remarried parents may count among their blessings a loving spouse, supportive children, or adoring grandchildren. Some older brides or grooms become a grandparent for the first time upon marriage. They relish the unconditional love shown by children. Ron said, “Emma’s grandchildren are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

      Whatever the circumstances of your adult stepfamily may be, look for the silver lining and be grateful. Take your gratitude one step further by saying thank you. If you are having a hard time finding any blessing, then determine to initiate changes throughout the coming year to improve your relationships. You can make a difference.

Posted: November 28th, 2007 under stepfamily relationships, holidays.
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            The holidays are upon us. Whether you are thinking of a Halloween costume, the Thanksgiving menu, Christmas decorations, or Hanukkah festivities, traditions play a key role in our celebrations. In some ways traditions define our family, our religion, or our nationality. We look forward to that special time of dad carving the turkey, Susie putting the star at the top of the tree, or Ben lighting the candles. As we look forward to, we often look back on as well. We remember that special wish as we tugged on the wishbone, or the laughter as dad opened his gift and donned his third tie, or mom singing childhood songs while washing dishes together.

            When we marry, we often adopt traditions of each other’s family. We also start new traditions unique to our family. Our children look forward to certain family rituals even as we did as children and continue to do as adults.

            A remarriage in the family way cause some anxiety rather than anticipation as the holidays approach. Should the table be set with mom’s fine china and crystal with a new matriarch in the home? Who will carve the turkey now that dad is no longer with us? Where do we do the holiday cookie baking that even the grandchildren enjoy?

            Mature stepfamilies may struggle maintaining family identity or unity especially when long-held rituals are forgotten. Regardless of the length of time of a parent’s remarriage, traditions can strengthen existing family ties or create bonds with new family members. Please share experiences of family traditions your family continued or new ones started that has helped to nurture and to unite your mature stepfamily.

Posted: October 26th, 2007 under stepfamily relationships, holidays, traditions.
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HOPE AND HEALING FOR ADULT STEPFAMILIES

     WELCOME to Gracious Family Life, the website for adult stepfamilies. Whether you or your parent(s) remarried years ago, recently remarried, or are contemplating remarriage, this is the place for you.

     Every year millions of adults join the ranks of adult stepchildren when one or both parents remarry following widowhood or divorce. Many struggle with feelings of betrayal, anger, and rejection. Others experience loss of self esteem or cut themselves off from the family in lieu of accepting a stepparent. The majority of adult stepchildren are uncomfortable with their parent’s overt signs of affection. If you have experienced any or all of these, you are not alone. Dr. Sarah Corrie, a British psychologist, observed a noticeable increase in adults seeking professional counseling following a parent’s remarriage. She calls them “the neglected client group” because their “characteristics and needs…have been largely ignored by both the research and clinical literature.”

     Yet some adults adjust well to the family’s reconfiguration and embrace their new stepparent as a new friend and family member. What makes the difference? How can you be one who adapts? How can you turn your relationship with your stepparent from foe to friend? Gracious Family Life explores these questions and others in order to help adult stepfamilies experience joy in their relationships.

     Empty-nest parents who are suddenly single after divorce or the death of a spouse face many challenges with loneliness often topping the list. They may enjoy time with children and grandchildren but it is not the same as having a loving companion. How do you tell your children that you are dating or engaged? How do you handle wedding plans? How do you maintain relationships after the wedding? What should you do about finances? Grandchildren? Family traditions? Please feel free to share what you have learned that may help others nurture loving relationships and avoid pitfalls of unhappy relationships.

     Through my efforts of interviewing dozens of adult stepchildren and remarried parents, of research, of writing about my findings, and of implementing what I learned, my hurts have been healed, my happiness increased, and my relationships improved. It is as though I have a new lease on life enjoying more fulfilling interactions with my dad and stepmother. That is my hope and desire for you.

      When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life, by Terri P. Smith with Dr. James Harper, is full of suggestions to help you remedy your stepfamily relationships. After reading it, please feel free to let us know what advice or stories benefited you. Or even contact us sharing what has and hasn’t worked for you in interactions with your parent/stepparent or your child/stepchild.

Posted: September 26th, 2007 under successful stepfamilies, stepfamily relationships.
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